“Saudade” Turns Three

Whoops! My brain goes a million miles an hour that it completely slipped my mind that my first published book, Saudade, turns three years old today.

Edit: It occurred to me I cannot math. I thought it was four years, but it’s been three since the book’s official publish date.

Feb. 11, 2018 | Saudade Launch Party #2

WOW. Three. Years. Old. It’s been that long already.

Saudade holds a special place in my heart. In essence, the book is about mental health – riding the scary and unpredictable rollercoaster of anxiety and depression. The truth behind the words was born from years and years of my experiences navigating through a dark place but eventually finding light in the end.

How did Saudade come to fruition?

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I disabled my social media

I did it. I finally did it. After years of talking and having inner conversations with myself about it, I am getting rid of my personal social media.

Social media, in concept and its inception, was an innovative idea, but now it’s become a toxic wasteland. It’s morphed into this unhealthy black hole of doom scrolling and fun-house mirrors distorting the images, messages and your internal feelings.

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Hiatus from Twitch Again

For those of you who care enough to read this personal post, I appreciate your time. It’s only been about two months since I returned to Twitch, and I had high hopes for it to be a great thing, but unfortunately it hasn’t. And with that said, err written, I’m hanging up my streaming hat (again). History has repeated itself where I’m constantly working around the clock from sunrise to dawn, and in result, am not getting ample sleep, which has led to exhaustion. For the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of crying behind the scenes and putting on a facade on screen that I’m great. In that time, I’ve been thinking heavily on figuring out the best plan of action to move forward, and here we are.


This anxious, sad feeling has been eating at me since I decided to start streaming again, and I can’t hide it anymore. Where do I start? Two months seems like a short amount of time and doesn’t seem like a big deal, but there are larger, deep-rooted feelings at play here that made this decision both difficult and easy at the same time.

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My Thoughts During Mental Health Awareness Month

Mental Health Awareness Month is nearly over, and I’ve had productive time to ponder life, especially during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. Living in isolation in my apartment and social distancing from people have presented an opportunity for my true introvertedness to revive itself, and admittedly I’m glad it did. By indulging in my introverted tendencies, I’ve become more myself again versus wearing the mask and putting on an act in front of people – this is not me saying I’m fake, but it’s definitely a light switch when I have to interact and be extroverted. In reality, I get anxious and nervous at the thought of being around people.

Mask - Persona 5 - Mental Health Awareness Month

Some of my goals in life is to enforce the importance of mental health and taking care of one’s health, as well as fighting the negative stigma associated with mental health. In the past, “taking a mental health day” was another ordinary slang phrase to me that I used loosely, but since my young adult life, it’s evolved into a bigger, more meaningful statement. My mental health is my number one priority, and I’m glad I was able to use this time alone to properly focus on it, like I have been promising myself for the past few years but never made ends meet.

What have I been doing to dedicate to myself? Here are a few things:

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How to Stay Sane During COVID-19

How is everyone doing? It’s been a long time, and some crazy things have been happening in the world today. Y’all know what I’m talking about – COVID-19, aka the coronavirus pandemic.

By now almost the entire world is isolated in quarantine – err, supposed to be – to help stop the spread of the virus and further infect more people. What does this mean? The people should be staying home, not going out and being away from people. No loud roaring engines of cars racing on highways, and no people filling the streets in ruckus. It’s almost as if the earth is slowly but surely starting to stand still in peace and quiet.

042620 - Phoebe Plan Gif

So, how many of you are coping well with being in isolation? Is it easy? Hard? Going crazy yet? I’ve talked to and seen posts on the Internet and social media of people struggling to be still and confined to their homes. Must be you, extroverts, who need to go out and do something and be around people. That’s not me saying that as a stab to the way y’all live your life, but the struggle can be real.

For me, this is my normal – well, maybe not normal, but my dream? People who know me call me a busy body, always out and about going to events, meeting people, hanging out with people, but honestly I fake it all. It’s an obligation to go out and be social, when in reality, it’s my preference to stay home alone and do whatever the hell I want.

Silence and Indiffernce - Gundham Tanaka

My point: this isolation phase is cake to me.

Why am I making a big deal about it? Because I want to share my personal tips on how to maintain your sanity and not crack under the pressure of quarantine.

Here are five things you can do to occupy your time and put your mind at ease while COVID-19 passes:

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