Mixed Bag of Thoughts


This past week has been the epitome of undying support, and it ended with a cherry on top this weekend with my family. Since the publishing of Saudade, the support has been amazing, but it wasn’t until my Twitch TV live stream celebration, the celebration at Cork Cafe and the celebration at my aunt house that it all hit me in the feels. I’ve been thankful for everything thus far, but somehow I became speechless—like words couldn’t form in my brain and come out my mouth.

It truly was humbling to see the amount of words of support and interest in my Twitch TV live stream to celebrate Saudade. I already have an incredible group on Twitch, but in addition to them, new users came in and took the time to congratulate me, and some even asked for links to the book, which I’m grateful for because these are people who have no obligation to me or to check out anything I do. And for everyone who was in my stream, I read a few of my poems from Saudade and the kind words said in the chat honestly warmed my heart.

And with this past weekend, seeing my family taking the time to plan and host two separate celebrations (one on my mom’s side, along with friends, and one on my dad’s side) just for an itty bitty little book that I published. It was even more humbling to have old friends who I see maybe three or four times a year come to celebrate with me, and it was awesome to catch up and find out what everyone else is up to. And even though my dad’s side celebration was on a Sunday, family took time to gather (and even called off work) to celebrate with me. My family has always been my #1 support system and always believed in me that I’d aspire to something great, and for the longest time—okay for 26 years of my life—I never thought I successfully lived up to those words or deserved that praise. But now those negative feelings are slowly, but surely, starting to change.

Support is one of the many things that I struggle with with my anxiety. Everyone who has taken the time to purchase, read and reach out to me about my book has a special place in my heart, because I still feel like I’m undeserving of such goodness. Somewhere in the back of my mind, this little voice tells me that this is not a big deal, that my work is not good enough and that anyone could do the same thing so what makes me special? In turn, it’s almost as if I take support for granted even though that is not the case at all, but it is something that this Saudade experience has opened my eyes to and that I want to work on. Accepting support. Accepting kind words. Acknowledging the accomplishment that I’ve created.


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