A year ago I was on a trip with my best friend in Big Bear, CA, the most lovely and beautiful place ever, and I had my first panic attack. Something triggered me during dinner, and for the next hour and a half to two hours, I could not slow down my heart rate despite exercising calming techniques. In the past I would have brushed it off and refuse to see a doctor, but this was one of the few times I listened to my body telling me something. I was actually scared.
Reflecting on this past year, it has been pretty rough, especially after talking with doctors and my therapist, learning about my severe anxiety and panic disorder, and ultimately trying to learn to live with it. I was prescribed with a daily medication for the first part of this year, and it helped. However, it’s a double-edged sword for me because I’m glad that I found something that mellowed me out—and there are days where I wish I still had them—but at the same time, I don’t want to be dependent on them. This debate in my mind toward the medication flip flops daily.
Admittedly I’m not 100% where I want to be mentally and emotionally right now—I’m still in the trenches trying to come out of depression—but there’s definitely been progress. The first half of the year was closing my chapter in Los Angeles and wrapping my mind around moving back home, which I was honestly still unsure of. The last half of the year has been focused on getting back on my feet on the road to self-rediscovery. It’s an ongoing journey, and I’ll keep taking it one day at a time.
One of the concepts I’m trying to grasp is celebrating the little wins in life. For example, I’ve gotten out of bed every day, started working out again, eating healthier again… but the most important is that I rekindled my love for writing again. Writing has always been an outlet for me to share my feelings but it got lost for the past few years, save for the pieces written once in a blue moon. I had lost all motivation and inspiration to do anything and wanted to drown in my depression, but I finally re-found something to drive for again.