You threw a grenade. At first I was expecting an awful explosion, so I kept my walls up and sturdy. To my surprise, it was the booming sounds of fireworks, my heartbeat, and a sea of butterflies’ wings. It was great at first, but I soon realized the roaring was really the sound of the earth shattering– from your berating love bomb, tricking me into feeling safe. So I took the blame and endured the bruising on my heart and soul. I can only hope I recover from the deep wounds and stinging scars you’ve left on me. 3/28/22
Happy New Year, y’all! I hope everyone’s holiday celebrations were great and 2022 is treating y’all well so far! I fell off the face of the earth last quarter and let a lot of posts sit in my brain rather than put to web paper… sorry about that!
For the last two weeks leading up to the new year, I was ill (thankfully not COVID-19 though!) and feeling miserable to the point where I was bed ridden for a few days. It’s a shame I couldn’t enjoy time off being well and healthy, but being alone for an extended period of time gets my mind racing about the things I wish I had done and accomplished, things I wish I hadn’t let fall to the wayside. Don’t get me wrong – I’m truly grateful for everything I have but something is just missing within me and I can never figure it out despite my efforts. And it’s a pattern where I start something strong and motivated but then it dissipates just as quickly and it’s hard to get back on the horse again. It’s an everyday effort to get myself to stay in a habit to be consistent – with anything honestly.
And that’s what I want 2022 to be about – re-establishing and maintaining consistent good, positive habits that serve me and only me. It’s not necessarily a resolution because those have a negative connotation of being short-lived, so it’s going to be a long-term commitment. In that commitment, I’m taking a step back, amidst the conveniently timed Omicron spike rates, to be alone. I did a lot of reflecting about the last year or two and how I haven’t been happy with myself. I was too busy running away from me and trying to be someone else, fit the mold and perform for others – friends, relationships and even family. I am myself to a certain extent but have always felt I had to be what everyone wanted of me and expected of me, so now I want to re-discover myself and become the person I want to be.
Even if you don’t believe in astrology, you can’t deny we were written in the stars, and we could be read to filth. You saw me and couldn’t wait to get under my skin. You sunk your claws into me and stung me with your love. It’s an inseparable love doused in passion and addiction. You have a grasp on me and don’t wanna let go. But we didn’t know it would be toxic. I was too stubborn to walk away, because I madly love you so. When I saw red, I was ready to charge in for a fight. But you always scuttled away to hide, diving your head into the sand. So, when it was time for our story to end, I stampeded all over your heart, with my horns stabbing you. 9/8/21
I dont know what it will take to heal this tragic heartbreak. Waking up every day is more miserable than the days we spent together enduring our troubles. I wish this bed would concave and hurt, in crushing, crippling comfort. If it means you’re not lying here beside me, I’d rather descend to Hell in misery. I want my tears to drown me in this forlorn, because this inner war of truth makes my body torn. Without you, I constantly choke when I breathe, and I wait for the day my heartbeat will cease. 9/22/21